9 years ago today....

Two years ago, I decided to write down and share my dad's cancer and passing. As I said two years ago, my dad was the world to me and I continue to feel lost (at times) without him in my life. As I am getting married in 8 months, it kills me that he is not here to meet Matt and to walk me down the isle and to help plan my wedding (b/c he loved to do that!) I know he is in a much better place and is whole again, but I can't help but want him here!


November 9, 2006

I realize this is very lengthy, but here is a "reader's digest" version of my dad's cancer. This time of year is kinda hard for me and I needed to write it down and share. For those of you who know me, my dad was the world to me. Sorry if there are some typos or errors, but half of it was written through tears.

My dad was diagnosed with brain cancer in the summer of 1998. He had surgery to remove as much of the tumor as possible, but the tumor had "fingers" that went into his speech portion of his brain and the doctors didn't want to mess with that. The day after his surgery I left for a mission's trip to Port Hardy, British Columbia, that was so hard to do! I just wanted to be with my dad! But he was recovering and he wanted me to go on this trip!

The months that followed his surgery were tough. It was very hard to watch him have trouble remembering things. He still tried to teach his many bible classes at church and really wanted to go back to work, but the cancer was taking over.

The meds were also horrible on his body. They had horrible side affects! It was hard to watch him deal with that! But we stood by his side and took care of him, like he took care of us for the majority of his life!

In January 1999 they decided to put chemo wafers around the tumor, it was a new procedure. There wasn't really any change. He went through radiation and chemo. My dad was a tall, thin man and he gained so much weight from the radiation and chemo, it was hard to recognize him.

In May 1999, our family took a Disney Cruise. Something my dad wanted to do more than anything! It was our last family trip. It was so much fun! My dad and I were the only ones in the family that liked the shows that they had on the cruise ship, so we went to them every night! Time that I will cherish always! Our favorite was Hercules!

My dad was a trooper. He wouldn't let people see that the cancer was winning! His spirits were high and his faith in God kept him trucking along! He was an inspiration! My sisters gave my mom and him a trip to Hawaii for their wedding anniversary in September of 1999. My dad had a hard time getting around and slept a lot, but he enjoyed the trip. But after that trip, he started to go down hill. He was weak in the legs and walked with a walker to get around. He couldn't climb the stairs anymore to the bedrooms upstairs, so he had to sleep downstairs.

He fell a couple of times in the middle of the night and my mom had to either call the neighbor to help her lift him up or 911. I was away at school, just starting my senior year. I look back, and I should have been home, but my dad wouldn't allow it. He wanted me to finish up school.

Around the last weeks of October, my mom was going to be away for the day and asked me to come home and stay with my dad one Saturday and of course I said yes. That was one of the last times that I got to spend with my dad. And he knew who I was! I had a conversation with him about how upset with God that this happened to him. He told me that he was at peace and that I needed to be at peace and that I should not be angry. It was the most articulated conversation I had with him since his cancer! I wish I remember everything he said to me!

One night he fell really badly and didn't know what happened and was taken to the hospital. I got a call from my mom that she and my sisters where going to go make funeral arrangements for my dad. I was livid! I could not believe she was already planning my dad's funeral! I was in the mindset that he would get better! I went home b/c it was on the weekend and my dad was in the hospital and I went to visit him and it was a sight I wish I could erase from my mind! They had him strapped to the bed b/c he kept pulling out his tubes and trying to get up. My mom said to him, "Jim, Priscilla is her." His response was, "Who is Priscilla." That was horrible to hear. That my dad didn't know who I was!

We talked to his doctor to see if anything more could be done and they couldn't do anything for him. The tumor had started to take over his brain.

That was a Sunday November 7, that I went to visit him in the hospital. I went back to school on Monday and Tuesday the 9th, I received a phone call from my brother in law that the doctors gave my dad 2 to 5 days to live and that he was going to be going home with hospice care. So on Wednesday, November 10, I made the rounds to my professors and told them that I was going home and I didn't know when I was coming back. I left GR around 5pm on Wednesday evening…I had to pack in preparation for my dad's funeral, how messed up is that? I got home, just has the ambulance was pulling into the driveway with my dad. The paramedics were strong men and carried my dad up to my bedroom where everything was set up for him. A hospice nurse came shortly after and did what she needed to do. My brother freaked out and couldn't handle seeing my dad in the state he was in. I thought I would be able to talk to him, but he was in a great state of confusion and had no idea who I was. The nurse gave him morphine for the pain and to help him sleep through the night. My mom was exhausted and I told her to go to bed and I sat with my dad. I looked at him and told him I loved him and I watched him slip into a coma. I stayed up with him all night and eventually fell asleep about 6am.

A dear family friend came over to our house in the morning, she was a nurse and said that we needed to call my sisters and friends and pastor tell them to come say good bye, he was going. So we did. And they came. We surrounded him and sang songs, we shared in Holy Communion and prayed and read bible verses. He moaned as we sang. It was actually a beautiful, comforting event. And we each took our turn with him and told him that it was ok to go "home." And we laughed that he had a list of questions already planned and ready to ask God! We knew he would no longer be in pain and that he would have his mind and body back! I was exhausted and decided to lay down for a bit. My sister came and got me and told him that he was breathing his last breathes and that I need to come in and say good bye and I did and about a minute later he died. That was on November 11, 1999. I was 22 years old. I miss my dad more than anyone will ever know.